Blogpost #8: Poly Family: Effects on Children

In studying Polyamory, I began to wonder on what are the effects on children in a polyamorous family. With the knowledge and experiences I have, I believe that every parent in given family, polyamorous or not, has an effect to his or her own children. These effects differ each children from other children in the way he or she lives and grows as a person. So I researched about effects on in children in a poly family.

Upon researching, I found an article entitled "Is Polyamory Bad for the Children?" by Bella DePaulo in the site "Psychology Today". The article talks about the benefits and drawbacks of polyamory on kids. It's about different perspectives of parents and children in having a polyamorous family.

“Many of the children reported that their parents’ former partners stayed involved in their lives even after the sexual or romantic phase of the partners’ relationships to the parents ended. The children did report experiencing some pain at losing the friendship of adults who were not involved in their lives any longer, but they felt this pain for both former romantic partners and also for platonic friends of parents whom they no longer saw for a variety of reasons.”

“Overall, the children were satisfied with their family arrangement, acknowledging that they may not choose it themselves but that it works well for their parents.”

This quotation was said by the authors who conducted interviews on polyamorous families. I think it depends on the family itself on how they manage their children on the given process. In the case on the one that they interviewed, it's understandable that the children did not experience pain or suffering because those former partners of their parents stayed involved in their lives even if the relationships to their parents has ended. But what if they didn't stayed involved with the children? I'm certain that children will experience pain and even suffer more if they were close with that partner who left.

One opinion of mine is that it is better to be polyamorous when the children in the family are old enough to understand what it means. If not all, some children who are still too young to understand may have a bad effect on them and if worse, they may be traumatized at a young age. These may affect their lives growing up and give them different perspective in life whether it's good or not.

Another article I found is entitled "My Mom Was a Hippie" by Valerie White from the site "Loving More". The article is about the writer, who is poly mother, who change the lyrics of the song "My Mom Was a Hippie" by Bob Blue and came up with a new one. So instead of giving a quotation of the article, I'd like to give the song she came up with which she sings to her children.

My parents are poly.
That means there are three of them.
No one I know has two moms and a dad.
But when I need something there’s usually one of them
Ready to help me and that makes me glad.

Tom’s mom just has one partner.
Tad’s dad cheats on his wife.
Mine say sexual honesty’s
One of the rules of their life.

I wish there were nothing like rape, homophobia.
Sexual predators, pedophile priests.
Then people could all live like rational humans
And not act like ravening beasts.

Poly parents make adjustments when it comes to their children. They try to make their children understand that they are not a common family in the society. They live differently but still they teach them that they should not live differently from others that they encounter in their lives.

I believe that effects on children in polyamory depends on the values practiced by the family itself. If the parents try to make their children understand what they are going through and guide them properly, then those children may or can live normally in the society. But if their parents doesn't make adjustments for their children, then the lives of their children can be affected. And some, even though they're properly guided, it can be also difficult for them in the society. Discrimination can be an effect to them. Praise should be given to those poly parents who guide and help their children in times of need and make they're kids live as normally as possible.

Blogpost #7: Jealousy

Jealousy is a common and a normal human emotion to feel. We all feel and experience jealousy every once in a while. I myself was a very jealous person until I realized that it makes things or situations worse if not controlled. Jealousy can be a deadly thing. It can be a life-changing experience for an individual. Jealousy is one of the emotions we want to control. So how can we?

There are many reasons why we feel jealous and though it is a normal human emotion to feel, it tends to get out of control if we fail to tame it. I believe that for it to be tamed, we should first have to learn where our jealousy is coming from. There is always a cause why we became jealous and once we have those causes figured out, controlling it will become easier.
 

As I research articles about jealousy, I found an article entitled, "Understanding the Roots of Jealousy" by Osho from the site "Emotions: All About Emotions and Feelings". It's an article about dealing with jealousy and how can it affect our relationship with someone if we fail to control it.

In the article, a quotaion was said by the writer saying, "You have absolute freedom, just be totally happy and that is my happiness. With whom you are happy is insignificant, what is significant is your happiness". The point of the writer is that if you're happy with your partner, the one you love, to be with someone else then your partner cannot remain away from you for long and will be back in no time because who can leave such a man or a woman to accept and be happy even if their partner is with someone else.

I think the quotation depends on a given situation. It's true that some people tend to get back if the person they're getting back to thinks that way. But the fact remains that there are also some who if they were to be given freedom and be with someone else they will take that chance and get away. So in my opinion, I think that it is a big risk but these kind of risks make us learn and grow.

One thing that made me agree with the writer is the other way he see and deals with jealousy in everyday life. As you read the article, he keeps telling that one should not think about "tommorows" and live the "today" to the fullest. I believe that is true because if one keeps on worrying on what may happen in the future, you can't fully give yourself at the present. Live life fully at present and it will take its own course.

Another article I found is entitled, "Communication for Stopping Jealousy: How to Save Your Relationship" by Carla Valencia from the same site "Emotions: All About Emotions and Feelings". It's an article about how men and woman differ from being jealous. It explains different point of views of men and women and show steps on how to stop being jealous.

"Jealousy is that green eyed monster that lurks in the corner of every relationship. It can turn a happy companionship to a worst nightmare if not kept in check".

I believe the quotation is true because every relationship experiences jealousy at some point and it is the monster of it. It's one of the few major things that lead a relationship into a disaster. If we cannot learn how to control it, then it can make our relationship troublesome.

In connection to polyamory, I learned that polyamorous relationships still feel jealousy even though their relationship is an open one. Like in the case of the Triad in the TV series I've watched that the two people who are in the Triad were jealous to the other partner of their partner whom is outside the Triad relationship. I think that it is more difficult to deal with jealousy when you are in a polyamorous relationship because there are more people involved. Things may not be handled easily than when it is a monogamous one so poly people should also learn how to deal with it.

We should control jealousy instead of it controlling us. Taking control of our emotions will make us the leader of our emotions which can prevent us from entering many unwanted situations, such as break ups, low self-esteem and depression. We will be able to focus on the more important things in life and see things with a more clear and open mind which will guide us into making better decisions and finding better solutions to the obstacles that we will face in our relationships and life in general.