Blogpost #8: Poly Family: Effects on Children

In studying Polyamory, I began to wonder on what are the effects on children in a polyamorous family. With the knowledge and experiences I have, I believe that every parent in given family, polyamorous or not, has an effect to his or her own children. These effects differ each children from other children in the way he or she lives and grows as a person. So I researched about effects on in children in a poly family.

Upon researching, I found an article entitled "Is Polyamory Bad for the Children?" by Bella DePaulo in the site "Psychology Today". The article talks about the benefits and drawbacks of polyamory on kids. It's about different perspectives of parents and children in having a polyamorous family.

“Many of the children reported that their parents’ former partners stayed involved in their lives even after the sexual or romantic phase of the partners’ relationships to the parents ended. The children did report experiencing some pain at losing the friendship of adults who were not involved in their lives any longer, but they felt this pain for both former romantic partners and also for platonic friends of parents whom they no longer saw for a variety of reasons.”

“Overall, the children were satisfied with their family arrangement, acknowledging that they may not choose it themselves but that it works well for their parents.”

This quotation was said by the authors who conducted interviews on polyamorous families. I think it depends on the family itself on how they manage their children on the given process. In the case on the one that they interviewed, it's understandable that the children did not experience pain or suffering because those former partners of their parents stayed involved in their lives even if the relationships to their parents has ended. But what if they didn't stayed involved with the children? I'm certain that children will experience pain and even suffer more if they were close with that partner who left.

One opinion of mine is that it is better to be polyamorous when the children in the family are old enough to understand what it means. If not all, some children who are still too young to understand may have a bad effect on them and if worse, they may be traumatized at a young age. These may affect their lives growing up and give them different perspective in life whether it's good or not.

Another article I found is entitled "My Mom Was a Hippie" by Valerie White from the site "Loving More". The article is about the writer, who is poly mother, who change the lyrics of the song "My Mom Was a Hippie" by Bob Blue and came up with a new one. So instead of giving a quotation of the article, I'd like to give the song she came up with which she sings to her children.

My parents are poly.
That means there are three of them.
No one I know has two moms and a dad.
But when I need something there’s usually one of them
Ready to help me and that makes me glad.

Tom’s mom just has one partner.
Tad’s dad cheats on his wife.
Mine say sexual honesty’s
One of the rules of their life.

I wish there were nothing like rape, homophobia.
Sexual predators, pedophile priests.
Then people could all live like rational humans
And not act like ravening beasts.

Poly parents make adjustments when it comes to their children. They try to make their children understand that they are not a common family in the society. They live differently but still they teach them that they should not live differently from others that they encounter in their lives.

I believe that effects on children in polyamory depends on the values practiced by the family itself. If the parents try to make their children understand what they are going through and guide them properly, then those children may or can live normally in the society. But if their parents doesn't make adjustments for their children, then the lives of their children can be affected. And some, even though they're properly guided, it can be also difficult for them in the society. Discrimination can be an effect to them. Praise should be given to those poly parents who guide and help their children in times of need and make they're kids live as normally as possible.