POLYAMORY

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Blogpost #8: Poly Family: Effects on Children

In studying Polyamory, I began to wonder on what are the effects on children in a polyamorous family. With the knowledge and experiences I have, I believe that every parent in given family, polyamorous or not, has an effect to his or her own children. These effects differ each children from other children in the way he or she lives and grows as a person. So I researched about effects on in children in a poly family.

Upon researching, I found an article entitled "Is Polyamory Bad for the Children?" by Bella DePaulo in the site "Psychology Today". The article talks about the benefits and drawbacks of polyamory on kids. It's about different perspectives of parents and children in having a polyamorous family.

“Many of the children reported that their parents’ former partners stayed involved in their lives even after the sexual or romantic phase of the partners’ relationships to the parents ended. The children did report experiencing some pain at losing the friendship of adults who were not involved in their lives any longer, but they felt this pain for both former romantic partners and also for platonic friends of parents whom they no longer saw for a variety of reasons.”

“Overall, the children were satisfied with their family arrangement, acknowledging that they may not choose it themselves but that it works well for their parents.”

This quotation was said by the authors who conducted interviews on polyamorous families. I think it depends on the family itself on how they manage their children on the given process. In the case on the one that they interviewed, it's understandable that the children did not experience pain or suffering because those former partners of their parents stayed involved in their lives even if the relationships to their parents has ended. But what if they didn't stayed involved with the children? I'm certain that children will experience pain and even suffer more if they were close with that partner who left.

One opinion of mine is that it is better to be polyamorous when the children in the family are old enough to understand what it means. If not all, some children who are still too young to understand may have a bad effect on them and if worse, they may be traumatized at a young age. These may affect their lives growing up and give them different perspective in life whether it's good or not.

Another article I found is entitled "My Mom Was a Hippie" by Valerie White from the site "Loving More". The article is about the writer, who is poly mother, who change the lyrics of the song "My Mom Was a Hippie" by Bob Blue and came up with a new one. So instead of giving a quotation of the article, I'd like to give the song she came up with which she sings to her children.

My parents are poly.
That means there are three of them.
No one I know has two moms and a dad.
But when I need something there’s usually one of them
Ready to help me and that makes me glad.

Tom’s mom just has one partner.
Tad’s dad cheats on his wife.
Mine say sexual honesty’s
One of the rules of their life.

I wish there were nothing like rape, homophobia.
Sexual predators, pedophile priests.
Then people could all live like rational humans
And not act like ravening beasts.

Poly parents make adjustments when it comes to their children. They try to make their children understand that they are not a common family in the society. They live differently but still they teach them that they should not live differently from others that they encounter in their lives.

I believe that effects on children in polyamory depends on the values practiced by the family itself. If the parents try to make their children understand what they are going through and guide them properly, then those children may or can live normally in the society. But if their parents doesn't make adjustments for their children, then the lives of their children can be affected. And some, even though they're properly guided, it can be also difficult for them in the society. Discrimination can be an effect to them. Praise should be given to those poly parents who guide and help their children in times of need and make they're kids live as normally as possible.

Blogpost #7: Jealousy

Jealousy is a common and a normal human emotion to feel. We all feel and experience jealousy every once in a while. I myself was a very jealous person until I realized that it makes things or situations worse if not controlled. Jealousy can be a deadly thing. It can be a life-changing experience for an individual. Jealousy is one of the emotions we want to control. So how can we?

There are many reasons why we feel jealous and though it is a normal human emotion to feel, it tends to get out of control if we fail to tame it. I believe that for it to be tamed, we should first have to learn where our jealousy is coming from. There is always a cause why we became jealous and once we have those causes figured out, controlling it will become easier.
 

As I research articles about jealousy, I found an article entitled, "Understanding the Roots of Jealousy" by Osho from the site "Emotions: All About Emotions and Feelings". It's an article about dealing with jealousy and how can it affect our relationship with someone if we fail to control it.

In the article, a quotaion was said by the writer saying, "You have absolute freedom, just be totally happy and that is my happiness. With whom you are happy is insignificant, what is significant is your happiness". The point of the writer is that if you're happy with your partner, the one you love, to be with someone else then your partner cannot remain away from you for long and will be back in no time because who can leave such a man or a woman to accept and be happy even if their partner is with someone else.

I think the quotation depends on a given situation. It's true that some people tend to get back if the person they're getting back to thinks that way. But the fact remains that there are also some who if they were to be given freedom and be with someone else they will take that chance and get away. So in my opinion, I think that it is a big risk but these kind of risks make us learn and grow.

One thing that made me agree with the writer is the other way he see and deals with jealousy in everyday life. As you read the article, he keeps telling that one should not think about "tommorows" and live the "today" to the fullest. I believe that is true because if one keeps on worrying on what may happen in the future, you can't fully give yourself at the present. Live life fully at present and it will take its own course.

Another article I found is entitled, "Communication for Stopping Jealousy: How to Save Your Relationship" by Carla Valencia from the same site "Emotions: All About Emotions and Feelings". It's an article about how men and woman differ from being jealous. It explains different point of views of men and women and show steps on how to stop being jealous.

"Jealousy is that green eyed monster that lurks in the corner of every relationship. It can turn a happy companionship to a worst nightmare if not kept in check".

I believe the quotation is true because every relationship experiences jealousy at some point and it is the monster of it. It's one of the few major things that lead a relationship into a disaster. If we cannot learn how to control it, then it can make our relationship troublesome.

In connection to polyamory, I learned that polyamorous relationships still feel jealousy even though their relationship is an open one. Like in the case of the Triad in the TV series I've watched that the two people who are in the Triad were jealous to the other partner of their partner whom is outside the Triad relationship. I think that it is more difficult to deal with jealousy when you are in a polyamorous relationship because there are more people involved. Things may not be handled easily than when it is a monogamous one so poly people should also learn how to deal with it.

We should control jealousy instead of it controlling us. Taking control of our emotions will make us the leader of our emotions which can prevent us from entering many unwanted situations, such as break ups, low self-esteem and depression. We will be able to focus on the more important things in life and see things with a more clear and open mind which will guide us into making better decisions and finding better solutions to the obstacles that we will face in our relationships and life in general.

Blogpost #6: Trust

In my experience, trust is very important. I find trust as a difficult thing to achieve. It takes time for me to trust people. But luckily for me, there are many people that have my trust such as my family and especially friends. It feels free to live where you trust the people surrounding at you. I can do things that I don't naturally do in front of other people. I can easily express my feelings and emotions to them. This is the kind of life I am living. It's fun.

You know to whom you can give your trust. You know when they have yours. Yet, what is trust and how is trust usefully defined? Trust forms the foundation for communication. When trust exists in an organization or in a relationship, almost everything else is easier and more comfortable to achieve.

In researching about trust, I found an article entitled "Trust Rules: The Most Important Secret About Trust" by Susan Heathfield in the site "About.com: Do More". It's an article about the true meaning and facts about trust.

In the said article, a quotation was said by Dr. Duane C. Tway Jr., "There exists today, no practical construct of Trust that allows us to design and implement organizational interventions to significantly increase trust levels between people. We all think we know what Trust is from our own experience, but we don't know much about how to improve it. Why? I believe it is because we have been taught to look at Trust as if it were a single entity."

He defines trust as, "the state of readiness for unguarded interaction with someone or something." He developed a model of trust that includes three components. Those components are: "the capacity for trusting, the perception of competence, and the perception of intentions."

In connection to polyamory, trust is very important in polyamorous relationships. Like in my previous blogpost about the reality TV show entitled Polyamory: Married and Dating, there was a case were one individual of the Triad has a boyfriend outside their relationship. The other two were worried that it may affect the Triad.


Another article I read is entitled, "It's All About Trust: Eight Key Ways to Build Trust" by Jean Marie Johnson in the site "Communico". The article is about ways and how to maintain trust in a relationship. It also explains what is trust and why it breaks down.

In the article, I came across a quotation by Marsha Sinetar that says, "Trust is not a matter of technique, but character; we are trusted because of our way of being, not because of our polished exteriors or our expertly crafted communications."


I believe that the quotation is a fact. Trust is based on how people see you the way you are. Not on how great you deliver yourself to others. You can't tell people to trust you right there and then. It takes a long period of time and relationship with others to build trust.

The best way to maintain trust is to keep from breaking trust in the first place. The truthfulness of the communication is a critical factor. Trust is built and maintained by many small actions over time.

Blogpost #5: Real Polyamory Experiences

Having enough knowledge about polyamory is really interesting. Not that I want to practice it, but it's good knowing that this kind of relationship exists. It helps me to be open-minded about different things and allows me to know that there are different options in life. That being said, I began to research more about polyamory.

Upon researching articles about polyamory experiences, I found an article entitled "Love Like an Ocean: Diving Deep into Polyamory" by Kendra Holliday in the site "The Beautiful Kind". The story centers on the writer as she is living polyamorously with his partner for five years.
 

 As I read the story, I figured that some polyamorous relationships started out as monagamous relationships. Like in the story of the writer, she and her partner first had a monogamous relationship but as the time went by, they became polyamorous.

From that article, a quotation that says "Love is like an ocean, not a bathtub. One person doesn't need to get out in order for another to get in." is said by the writer. It means that their relationship is open. There are a lot of other people that you can love, not just the one you're currently in to. One can love many at the same time with the consent of both partners. That was the reason the writer and her partner decided to become polyamorous.

I believe that that quotation depends on the person because some people don't believe in it especially those who are living monogamously. I think the quotation itself is childish. The reason that made me think that way is because the writer and her partner have been together for five years but they're not married. They don't even live together. They keep their households, finances and family separately. I think that it's for those who are afraid of settling down with one person and live monogamously.

Another article I've came across with is entitled "Adventures in Polyamory" by JT Eberhand in the site "Patheos: Hosting the Conversation on Faith". The story is about the writer who met a woman online and later found out that the woman has a husband and been living polyamorously. The writer tried to explore and experience what is polyamory.

As I read the story,  the writer was shocked as the woman told him that they should have sex. There were many questions that entered the writers mind like "What about your husband?" and "Is your husband really ok with this". The woman just keeps talking seriously and the writer decided to get on with it whatever may happen so they decided to meet up. As they went at the woman's house, the writer felt nervous because he thinks that the husband might punch him any minute but instead the husband hugged him and just keeps smiling as they had conversations. The writer felt nervous again when the woman said directly to his husband, "I'm going to have sex with this man". But instead the husband just laugh and said "Cool". The writer and the woman spent the whole night together and in the morning the woman kissed her husband like nothing happened.

 

In the story, a quotation was said by the writer that says "But I just don't know of I can have sex without falling in love". I think being a noob in these kind of relationship needs wide adjustments in life. It affects who you are if you choose to change. Like in the story, the writer at first have issues going on in his life. People around him believes that he is role model and always say to him that he should behave as a role model. However, he believes that he is still young and wanted to explore more and new things in life. He believes that being honest is what you have to do to be a role model so he shared one experience in his life.

What makes the concept of polyamory interesting is that it's not cheating. All polyamorous individuals are free to love more than one. Although some are not because there are rules in some polyamorous relationship. But one good thing about polyamory is that it doesn't pose a huge threat to the relationship.

Blogpost 4: Polyamory in Television

With the knowledge I've learned from the previous blogposts and researches I made, I started to find real life polyamorous people. Upon researching in the internet about Polyamory, I've learned that it has a reality TV series in an American television network named Showtime that is entitled "Polyamory: Married & Dating". It's a story of Anthony, Vanessa and Lindsey that are Triad, and Michael, Tahl, Kamala and Jennifer that are Quad.

As I watched the first episode of the series, the story centers in the problem of Anthony and Vanessa that Lindsey has another relationship that is named Krystof. The two were worried because it might affect the Triad. The story also centers with Kamala and Michael who asked their lovers Tahl and Jennifer to move in with them. There were problems at first because of Jeniffer having issues on moving in but at the end it was fixed because Tahl and Jennifer agreed to move in.

Story #1: (Anthony, Lindsey, Vanessa)

Their part of the story started with Lindsey who just got home to her family(Anthony and Vanessa) from far away because of school. I can tell that they've missed each other so much that they started to kiss and hug each other every time. But one problem came up when Anthony brought up the topic of Lindsey having a relationship with a guy named Krystof. Vanessa didn't want to talk about it because she wanted to enjoy the moment with Lindsey who just got home and whom she missed so much. But later on, Anthony, especially Vanessa, got upset when they found out that Lindsey spends more time with Krystof than any of them so they decided to have dinner to talk about it. As they discussed about it, they've said hurtful things to each other but at the end they got better and decided to go upstairs to have sex.

In the story of the three of them as a Triad, I've learned there really are rules in practicing polyamory. When the three of them talked about their problem over dinner, they mentioned their rules in the relationship. Rule #1 according to Anthony is "Honesty. You tell everything to each other, no matter how hurtful. Rule #2 according to Lindsey is "Safety", which she elaborated that the two of them have nothing to be worried about with her relationship with Krystof. Rule #3 is "Permission ahead of time". And lastly, Rule #4 is "Veto Power", which according to Vanessa, "No date, no night of sex with someone else. No little romantic moment is worth hurting the partners if one of the partners says "I can't handle this right now"." Vanessa said that Lindsey had developed an intimacy that didn't abide by the basic principles that they have as a Triad. She also said that one of the biggest challenges in polyamory is jelousy of other lovers.

One opinion of mine is that rules like these are applied for them to have an understanding with what they have as a relationship. They set these rules to protect each other, not to give restrictions, but for the safety and health of the relationship itself. And I think what they did at the end is what we call "make-up sex". Well make-up sex can be good and bad. Yes it is good and healthy but at the end, it doesn't really fix things for sure. I still believe that the best way to fix problems in life is to face them and deal with it no matter what it takes.


Story #2: (Michael, Kamala, Tahl, Jennifer)

 

Their story started with the four of them gathering at the house of Michael and Kamala. They're having conversations like a normal family is doing at their household. Michael and Kamala have a son who also enjoys when Tahl and Jennifer are around. It's like he also treats Tahl and Jennifer as his parents. Later on, after eating and doing other stuff, Tahl and Jennifer decided to leave and head at their own home.

The next day was a big day for the four of them as a Quad because Michael and Kamala are having preparations and planning to convince Tahl and Jennifer to move in with them. So they called Tahl and Jennifer to let them know that they will be coming over at their house and talk about something. Jennifer was curious and at the same time nervous of what was so important to talk about that they want to go at their house urgently instead of saying it over the phone. Jennifer thought that they will break up with them.

As Michael and Kamala arrived at their house, I can see the look on Jennifer's face that she is nervous in what they want to say. So they decided to go to the bedroom and finally talk about it. As Kamala said what they're really up to, Jennifer was relieved but at the same time she was shocked. She didn't know what to say. But they didn't deny the fact that she and Tahl had conversations about the topic of moving in. The problem of their story came up when Jennifer said that she has some concerns about moving in with Michael and Kamala. Kamala thought that Jeniffer would say "no". She thought on how they can keep going forward if they would not build that dream together. Jealousy is the issue for Jeniffer because when Tahl gets home, she wants to have sex and sometimes Tahl doesn't want to because he's tired of work. She thinks that if they can't have sex when the two of them on their own, what more if there are more people involved. For Jeniffer, it takes a lot of conversations to deal with jealousy. She even said, "If you don't want to do personal work, then polyamory might not be for you". Kamala said that Tahl and her have a hot connection with each other and they don't get enough time together that's why she wants them to move in with them. Jeniffer gets it but this is a different situation. She already made adjustments since becoming polyamorous but this time, Tahl needs agreement from her. Tahl has no problem about moving in. But he is having difficulties in polyamory because of Jeniffer. Jennifer's condition was if they will decide to move in, she wants to get the time of sex at night. She can give the day of Tahl to Kamala. Jeniffer was afraid but at the same time excited so she agreed to move in.

I've realized that polamory is only different to monogamy in terms of how many are involved. Rules in monogamy, even not said, are applied just like in Polyamory. Polayamory also involves romantic moments and real feelings, not only intimate, which I thought at first. They really do love each other as a family as the way monogamous people have.

Blogpost 3: The Quad

Knowing the different types of polyamorous relationship for me is really exciting and at the same time it makes me feel funny. Another type of Polyamory I've learned is the Quad. A Quad relationship occurs when four individuals share relationship with one another. As I was shocked that there was a Triad, it made me shocked again when I found out that there is a Quad, which now involves four individuals. But I've discovered that a Quad oftenly occurs with two couples that share relationships with one another.

Upon researching articles about Quad relationships, I read an article entitled "My wife has a boyfriend" by NJMarco in the site "SheKnows: Beauty & Style".  It’s a story of the writer, Marco, and his wife, Jasmine, who met another couple, Ramon and Joanne, and later became a Quad.


As I read the story, I learned that there are obstacles in having a Quad relationship. There were tough times such as the writer planned to stop being polyamorous. Yet they still try to work things out because they all love each other.

Those obstacles made the quotation that says, "What if someone falls too hard for the other’s spouse?". This was said because they were first-timers of having a Quad relationship. They were not sure at first if the things they were doing are right. They didn't even know that there is a term for what they are doing. There were a lot of problems that entered their minds.

 

In my opinion, having such relationship is a difficult thing to do. It’s hard to find a partner who will accept that you can have other partners besides him or her. Most of the time when a partner finds out that you have another partner, he or she will easily let you go or break up with you. But now I believe that there are instances that one accepts such situations for the benefit of their partners and their own.

 

Another Quad article I've read is entitled "In with the new out with the past" by Temptress in the site "Our Poly Life". The article is about Temptress and Fix, and Goddess and Big, who became a Quad. Their story deals with different problems in the relationship. One problem is that they move from one place to another from time to time. But most problems concern the relationship itself.

 

 

Those problems brought up the quotation that says, "This isn't how it is supposed to be". They dealt with it and at some point, they manage to settle in one place at last. But as the relationship went by, one partner, Big, chose to break up with them and move on with his own life.

 

Based on the articles I've read about Quad relationships, I've learned that one may choose to leave the relationship even if at first, before engaging in a Quad, they were together as partners before meeting the other couple. Like in the case of Goddess, she and Big were partners even before meeting Fix and Temptress, but she choses to stay in the relationship as a Triad even if Big choses to leave.

 

I realized that things like this are possible. Although some Quad relationships may still be in a working progress, as long as they all are willing to give the relationship the effort it needs and all have the guts to give it a shot, things will do well.

Blogpost 2: The Triad

When I heard about Triad, first thing came to my mind was the term "threesome", which is a sexual term of three individuals who are having a sexual intercourse. I thought that was Triad but it's only half true. Triad is one type or form of polyamory or polyamorous relationship I’ve learned based on the article I've read from my previous blogpost. A Triad occurs wherein three individuals share relationship with one another, not just sexual. I’ve also learned that the Triad is the most common among all types of polyamory.

As I was going through articles about Triad relationships, one that made me interested the most was the story or article “First Time For Everything: A Polyamorous Relationship” by Anya James in the site "The Frisky: Love. Life. Stars. Style.". In the story, the writer met a couple and later on they became a Triad relationship. The story interests me because at the end, even after two of the three of them broke up already, the other two still remained in the relationship and they went on with their lives with the other two who still remained friends.
 

From that article, I've read a quotation that says, “A relationship’s value does not depend on its length. Each stage of a relationship is a part of your life, and doesn’t have to last forever to be successful.”

I believe this quotation is true. A value of a relationship cannot be measured on how long it may be. Sometimes the shorter relationships we had are better than the longer ones. And having break ups do not mean that the relationship is a failure. Most of the time it is better for others to be friends than to be lovers.

 

Another article about Triad I came across was entitled "First Time For Everything: Dating A Couple" by Chloe Monroe also in the site "The Frisky: Love. Life. Stars. Style.". The article is a story of the writer who met a couple and later became a Triad.

In that article, a quotation that says "Why Not? It's not like I'll be dating her as well. One date won't hurt.". It was said by the writer because at first, she was supposed to be seeing the guy only but as they go dating, she met the other woman and they eventually became a Triad.


I think some people became polyamorous because of curiosity and sudden or lack of decision making. Like the writer at first, she was only interested to the man, not knowing or expecting that she will also get to like the other woman or in some cases the other partner. I think many of them bet their lives to be in this relationship to try or experience and thinking that maybe this kind of relationship is for them.
 

All relationships have purposes in life even the bad ones. We should learn from those bad experiences because having mistakes helps us to learn and to grow. But remember to treasure every relationship we make whether it’s good or bad because these experiences made us who we are in life and what we are today.